The Reason: Davies, who spent time as Postecoglou’s assistant at Tottenham, has realised his true calling actually isn’t managing Birmingham City but providing round-the-clock emotional support to Big Ange.

“Ange needs me. Who else understands his philosophical ramblings about attacking football? Who else will nod supportively when he insists that 5-4 defeats are actually moral victories?”

Davies will follow Postecoglou wherever he goes next, carrying a clipboard that says “WE NEVER STOP” and occasionally whispering “inverted fullbacks, mate” whenever Ange looks stressed. Birmingham fans will understand – they too need emotional support after recent seasons.

📍 Dream Destination: Wherever Postecoglou manages next, standing one step behind him

📊 Likelihood: 7/10 (That bond runs deep)

The Reason: Ismaël, the imposing French-German manager known for his physically intense style of football, has decided that his true calling is helping people achieve peak physical condition through football-inspired workouts.

“Football is too soft now,” he’ll declare while bench-pressing a tactical whiteboard. “I want to teach people real strength – mental and physical. Gegenpressing isn’t just for football, it’s a lifestyle.”

He’ll quit Blackburn to open “Ismaël’s Intensity Academy” in Strasbourg, where clients do burpees every time they lose possession of a medicine ball. His fitness book “Press High, Lift Heavy: The Ismaël Method” will become a bestseller in Germany.

Blackburn fans will be exhausted just thinking about it.

📍 Dream Destination: Strasbourg, France (running a hardcore gym)

📊 Likelihood: 7/10 (That intensity has to go somewhere)

The Reason: The Austrian coach has fallen in love with British working-class food culture during his time at Barnsley and Bristol City.

“The English have perfected comfort food. Pie and mash, mushy peas, liquor – it’s beautiful simplicity. I must bring this to Vienna!”

He’ll open “Struber’s Proper Pies” in central Vienna, serving authentic London-style pie and mash to confused Austrian tourists. The locals will hate it, but British expats will make it a pilgrimage site. Bristol City fans will visit on their Europa Conference League away days (eventually) and begrudgingly admit the pies are pretty good.

📍 Dream Destination: Stephansplatz, Vienna

📊 Likelihood: 5/10 (He does seem to appreciate British culture)

The Reason: Jones, famous for his high-energy touchline antics and ability to lose his voice by half-time, has decided his talents are wasted on footballers.

“I can shout motivational things at anyone!” he’ll declare loudly. “Corporate teams, wedding parties, people waiting for buses – everyone needs motivation!”

He’ll launch “Nathan Jones Motivational Shouting Services,” travelling the country screaming encouragement at bemused clients. His signature package, “The Full 90 Minutes,” involves him following you around for an entire da,y shouting “PRESS HIGHER!” and “WIN YOUR BATTLES!”

His TED talk on “The Power of Aggressive Positivity” will go viral. Charlton fans will miss the passion but admit their eardrums appreciate the break.

📍 Dream Destination: Conference centres nationwide, wherever shouting is needed

📊 Likelihood: 8/10 (Already doing this basically)

The Reason: Lampard, whose managerial career has been… eventful… has decided that his real talent is talking about football rather than managing it.

“I’ve got so many thoughts. Thoughts about football, thoughts about being a footballer, thoughts about managing, thoughts about thinking.”

“Frank’s Thoughts” will feature hour-long episodes where Lampard reflects on his playing days, discusses his managerial philosophy (while carefully avoiding his second stint at Chelsea), and interviews guests who all suspiciously played with him at Chelsea.

The podcast will become inexplicably popular despite being 60% Frank saying “you know” and 40% awkward pauses. Every episode will somehow include the phrase “when I played under José…”

Coventry fans will subscribe ironically, then realise they’re actually learning something.

📍 Dream Destination: A professional podcast studio in West London (obviously)

📊 Likelihood: 9/10 (Super Frank has opinions to share)

The Reason: The affable Eustace, known for being one of the nicest guys in football management, has decided he’s tired of the pressure and wants to spend time with good boys (the canine kind, not Championship strikers).

“I love dogs. They’re loyal, they listen, they appreciate you, and they never complain about being played out of position. Unlike football players.”

He’ll move to the Lake District, establish “Eustace’s Elite Canine Walking Service,” and will be spotted regularly hiking with 15 dogs, all of whom will be better organised than most Championship defences.

All his Google reviews will be five stars. Derby fans will miss him but admit he deserves the peace after years of keeping unfashionable clubs afloat.

📍 Dream Destination: Windermere, Lake District

📊 Likelihood: 8/10 (Too wholesome to refuse)

The Reason: The Croatian coach has decided that Hull City’s season is less crucial than finally getting Croatia an Eurovision victory.

“Croatia has finished second twice. TWICE! This is unacceptable. I must dedicate myself fully to this cause.”

He’ll move to Zagreb to coach Croatia’s Eurovision entries, applying his football management techniques to performance coaching. “It’s all about formations,” he’ll insist. “The key is getting your backing dancers in a proper 4-3-3 shape.”

His tactical approach to choreography will confuse everyone, but Croatia will somehow qualify every year. Hull fans will be disappointed but secretly hope he succeeds because Croatia does deserve better than second place.

📍 Dream Destination: Zagreb, preparing Eurovision glory

📊 Likelihood: 3/10 (But the passion would be there)

The Reason: McKenna, the intense young manager known for his meticulous preparation, has decided that the only way to achieve true tactical perfection is through monastic contemplation.

“I need silence. In the monastery, there are no journalists asking about formation tweaks. Just me, my tactical diagrams, and God – who, I believe, also prefers fluid 4-2-3-1 systems.”

He’ll join a remote monastery where he’ll spend 16 hours a day staring at potential formations drawn on ancient parchment. The other monks will find his constant muttering about “half-spaces” slightly concerning, but they will admire his dedication.

Ipswich fans will build a shrine to him in the monastery gift shop.

📍 Dream Destination: Silent monastery in the Scottish Highlands

📊 Likelihood: 4/10 (Too successful to quit… yet)

The Reason: The intellectual Catalan coach (now at Leicester after his QPR success) has decided that football management doesn’t provide enough cognitive and physical challenge.

“Chess is for the mind, boxing is for the body – chessboxing is for the complete human. It’s the perfect sport for a football manager – you need tactical intelligence and the ability to punch people who disagree with your tactics.”

He’ll become Spain’s chessboxing champion, defending his title while explaining that his football philosophy is just “chessboxing but with 22 people and a ball.”

Leicester fans will miss him but admire his commitment to bizarre hybrid sports. His autobiography “Checkmate and Knockout: The Cifuentes Way” will sell dozens of copies.

📍 Dream Destination: World Chessboxing Organisation circuit

📊 Likelihood: 2/10 (He’s too good at actual football)

The Reason: Neil, the composed Scottish manager, has been given an impossible mission by the Scottish government: make Millwall likeable.

“It’s the ultimate challenge. I’ve managed Norwich, Preston, Sunderland – but getting people to say ‘you know what, Millwall are alright’ would be my greatest achievement.”

He’ll quit managing to lead a PR campaign called “Millwall: We’re Nicer Than You Think (Honestly),” which will involve taking Millwall fans on goodwill tours of rival cities, teaching them how to smile at away supporters, and replacing “No One Likes Us, We Don’t Care” with “Actually, Some People Quite Like Us Now.”

The campaign will fail spectacularly within three days. Millwall fans will appreciate that he tried but prefer being feared anyway.

📍 Dream Destination: A bunker in Edinburgh, protecting himself from angry Lions fans

📊 Likelihood: 2/10 (Even Alex Neil isn’t that brave)

The Reason (for his NEXT move): Having already left Middlesbrough for Wolves, citing “proximity to home” and “dream job,” Edwards will soon realise that his true dream job is managing Wrexham in League One.

“I want to be part of the Hollywood story. Ryan Reynolds actually returns my texts, unlike the Fosun Group.”

He’ll quit Wolves after six months to take over at the Racecourse Ground, explaining that managing in the third tier is “more authentic” and that he’s always wanted to be in a documentary. Reynolds will make him sign a contract requiring him to appear in a mandatory cameo in Deadpool 4.

Phil Parkinson will be furious, but Reynolds will smooth it over with a personal FaceTime call and some Mint Mobile vouchers.

📍 Dream Destination: Wrexham AFC (the Hollywood version)

📊 Likelihood: 6/10 (The pull of Hollywood is real)

The Reason: Clement, the Belgian who spent years in Scottish football with Rangers, has decided that what Belgium really needs is authentic Scottish cuisine.

“The Belgians have perfected chocolate and waffles, but they know nothing of Scotch pies, bridies, or deep-fried Mars bars!”

He’ll open “Clement’s Caledonian Cuisine” in Bruges, serving authentic Scottish delicacies to confused Belgian tourists. The shop’s motto will be “55 Pies and Counting” (a reference Rangers fans will appreciate).

Norwich fans will be bemused, but Scottish expats in Belgium will make it a pilgrimage site. Gordon Ramsay will visit, taste a deep-fried Mars bar, and walk out in horror. Business will somehow boom.

📍 Dream Destination: Bruges, Belgium

📊 Likelihood: 4/10 (Those Rangers years changed him)

The Reason: Rowett, managing in the city of dreaming spires, has become increasingly frustrated that when he tells people “I work at Oxford,” they assume he means the university rather than the football club.

“I’ve had enough of the confusion. If people think I’m at Oxford University anyway, I might as well actually go there.”

He’ll quit managing to enrol as a mature student studying Philosophy, Politics and Economics, spending his days in dusty libraries and attending lectures on Keynesian economics. When he tries to explain overlapping fullbacks in his politics essay, his tutor will be baffled.

Oxford United fans will be disappointed, but the university’s football team will try to recruit him. He’ll turn them down, saying “I’ve already managed at Oxford – the proper one.”

📍 Dream Destination: Magdalen College, Oxford (the other Oxford)

📊 Likelihood: 6/10 (The nominative determinism is strong)

The Reason: Mousinho, who qualified as a solicitor while playing professionally, has decided he’s had enough of people calling him “Moos-inho” instead of “Moo-sin-yo.”

“I’ve spent years correcting people. Now I’ll do it legally. Everyone who’s ever mispronounced my name will receive a strongly-worded letter from my law firm: Mousinho, Mousinho & It’s Not That Difficult.”

He’ll establish a practice specialising in pronunciation-based defamation cases and will spend his days suing Sky Sports commentators, League One match officials, and confused fans on Twitter.

Portsmouth fans will understand but will also quietly admit they’ve been saying it wrong for years. His firm’s motto: “We’ll See You In Court (It’s Moo-SIN-yo, Not Moo-SEEN-ho).”

📍 Dream Destination: London, practising law at a prestigious firm

📊 Likelihood: 6/10 (He is actually a qualified solicitor, and that name pronunciation thing must be annoying)

The Reason: The Sheffield-born Heckingbottom has decided that football management is too confrontational and he’d rather photograph peaceful Yorkshire landscapes.

“I’m tired of the pressure. I want to photograph dry stone walls, rolling hills, and sheep. Sheep don’t complain about formations or demand transfers.”

He’ll sell his work at local galleries under the name “P. Heckingbottom: Yorkshire in Focus”, and his most popular print will be called “Sheep in a 4-3-3 Formation Grazing Near Hadrian’s Wall.”

Preston fans will be upset, but will admit the photos are pretty nice, and the calendar would make a good Christmas present. His exhibition “Fifty Shades of Grey Skies: A Yorkshire Meditation” will win awards.

📍 Dream Destination: Yorkshire Dales National Park

📊 Likelihood: 5/10 (Seems peaceful enough to consider it)

The Reason: The French manager has become obsessed with understanding the existential nature of Queens Park Rangers.

“What does it mean to be QPR? Why do they exist? What is their purpose? Is mediocrity a choice or a destiny?”

He’ll return to France to launch a philosophy podcast called “L’Être et le QPR” (Being and QPR), exploring profound questions about the club’s identity, their relationship with time, and why they can never quite get promoted.

The podcast will have 12 listeners, all of whom are confused QPR fans who thought it was about tactics. His thesis “The Hoops of Despair: A Sartrean Analysis of Loftus Road” will become an unexpected bestseller in French bookshops.

QPR fans will read it, nod solemnly, and continue their Sisyphean existence.

📍 Dream Destination: A café in Paris, pondering existence

📊 Likelihood: 6/10 (QPR does make you question reality)

The Reason: Wilder, Sheffield United legend and the man who made overlapping centre-backs a thing, has decided that football management is “too much like hard work” and that his true calling is hospitality.

“I’ve always loved a good pub, and I’ve always loved overlapping centre-backs. Why not combine them?”

The pub will feature a unique layout where the bar inexplicably runs down the wings, the toilets are in the opposition’s box, and the beer garden has three centre-backs who occasionally sprint forward to serve you pints.

Match days will feature the special menu. The establishment’s motto: “We’re Sheffield United, We Overlap.” Blades fans will make it a pilgrimage site and argue about whether it counts as a fourth promotion.

📍 Dream Destination: 127 Shoreham Street, Sheffield

📊 Likelihood: 7/10 (Genuinely might be happier)

The Reason: The Danish manager has decided that managing Sheffield Wednesday (who are in administration and have been deducted 12 points, (and the rest) ) is too stressful, and his real passion is building things rather than rebuilding clubs in crisis.

“I’ve always loved LEGO. The precision, the structure, the satisfying click when pieces connect – it’s like football but with actual instructions and no financial chaos.”

He’ll become a Master Builder at LEGOLAND Billund, specialising in building tiny football stadiums brick by brick. His masterpiece, a 1:100 scale replica of Hillsborough, will include tiny LEGO Sheffield Wednesday fans crying about the points deduction.

Wednesday fans will understand completely and will crowdfund to buy the model for the club museum.

📍 Dream Destination: LEGOLAND Billund, Denmark

📊 Likelihood: 8/10 (Genuinely better than dealing with administration)

The Reason: Eckert, the Czech manager who’s trying to save Southampton from relegation, has discovered his true passion: pickled vegetables.

“In Czech Republic, we take our pickles seriously. Gherkins, onions, cabbage – it’s an art form. English pickles? Disappointing. I must educate.”

He’ll quit Southampton to open “Eckert’s Exceptional Pickles,” a high-end pickle tasting bar in Prague where customers can sample 47 varieties of pickled cucumber. At the same time, he explains the subtle differences between Znojmo and Sterilované gherkins.

His masterclass “Tactical Pickling: The 4-3-3 of Fermentation” will sell out within hours. Southampton fans will be confused, but the Czech community will celebrate his return to his roots. The Saints will send him a farewell hamper of Branston Pickle, which he’ll politely refuse.

📍 Dream Destination: Prague, Czech Republic (pickle paradise)

📊 Likelihood: 6/10 (Every Czech person has strong pickle opinions)

The Reason: Robins, forever known as the man whose goal in 1990 supposedly saved Ferguson from the sack at Manchester United, has decided it’s time to tell his side of the story.

“For 35 years, people have said I saved Fergie’s job. He’s won everything, got a knighthood, and I got a ‘cheers mate’ in the tunnel once in 1997. Time to set the record straight.”

He’ll quit Stoke to write a 600-page autobiography titled “The Goal That Changed Football: My Story,” which will be 400 pages about that one goal and 200 pages about his Coventry City achievements.

The book will include chapters called “Why Coventry Fans Still Won’t Forgive Me for Leaving” and “Stoke Potteries: Better Than They Look, Honestly.”

Sir Alex will refuse to write the foreword, proving Robins’ point. The book will become required reading at Manchester United’s academy.

📍 Dream Destination: A writing retreat in the Cotswolds, plotting literary revenge

📊 Likelihood: 7/10 (That goal deserves more recognition, tbf)

The Reason: Sheehan, who did a caretaker stint at Swansea before departing, has decided his next job will be on the golf course rather than the football pitch.

“I prefer working outside. And golfers are much less stressful than footballers. Plus, they can’t run away when I’m trying to give them advice.”

He’ll caddy on the European Tour, carrying bags and offering unsolicited tactical analysis to confused golfers. “That’s a 6-iron, but have you considered a 4-3-3 formation?” will become his catchphrase.

When golfers complain that his advice makes no sense, he’ll explain it’s “tactical flexibility in action.” Swansea fans will watch the golf on TV and swear they see him in the background making substitution hand signals.

📍 Dream Destination: European Tour golf courses

📊 Likelihood: 5/10 (Golf is definitely more peaceful)

The Reason: Pezzolano, the Uruguayan manager who’s experienced the chaos of Watford’s managerial merry-go-round firsthand, has decided to monetise the madness.

“The Championship is insane. Why not make it a tourist attraction?”

He’ll return to Montevideo to open “Pezzolano’s Championship Chaos Land,” a theme park where visitors experience the true madness of English second-tier football.

The gift shop will sell golden sombrero hats and T-shirts reading “I Survived Vicarage Road.” Watford fans will buy tickets, ironically, then realise it’s too accurate and leave traumatised. The Pozzo family will consider purchasing the theme park, then sell it six months later.

📍 Dream Destination: Montevideo, Uruguay (safe from the Pozzos)

📊 Likelihood: 8/10 (He’s earned this after managing Watford)

The Reason: Mason has realised his true calling: being Tottenham’s emergency manager whenever they sack someone.

“I’ve done it twice already. Why fight it? This is my destiny – the eternal caretaker, always there when Spurs need a familiar face for 3-4 weeks.”

He’ll quit West Brom to remain on permanent standby at Tottenham, living in a small flat next to the training ground, ready to step in at a moment’s notice. He’ll average one caretaker spell per season, never getting the permanent job but always being “in contention.”

His job title will be officially changed to “Permanent Interim Head Coach.” It’s the most Tottenham thing imaginable. West Brom fans will shake their heads but admit it makes weird sense. Daniel Levy, or whoever’s in the hot seat at Spurs now,  will pay him a retainer.

📍 Dream Destination: Tottenham Hotspur Training Ground, on-call room

📊 Likelihood: 8/10 (He’s already halfway there)

The Reason: Parkinson, the experienced manager who’s guided Wrexham’s Hollywood-funded rise, has finally had enough of Reynolds’ “creative input.”

“He wants every team talk to be like a movie speech. Last week he suggested I say ‘Welcome to Wrexham… let’s make this a sequel.’ I said ‘Ryan, the lads just want to know who’s playing right-back.'”

The final straw will come when Reynolds tries to cast Rob McElhenney as assistant manager and suggests they all do the “Deadpool chimichangas” goal celebration.

Parkinson will quit to manage a non-celebrity-owned club where the only drama is on the pitch, not in the owner’s box. Reynolds will offer him a cameo in Deadpool 4 as an apology. Parkinson will decline, but secretly watch it anyway.

📍 Dream Destination: Any club not owned by Hollywood stars

📊 Likelihood: 4/10 (The money’s too good, Phil)